Ready for a change? Here is how to let go of the past

Learning from models of change and stages of grieving when setting goals.

As a Health Practitioner and a Certified High Performance Coach I love helping clients overcome their challenges and create positive change.  I have to be aware of mindset and my expectations regarding their wants and needs.

It is never as simple as “tell me what to do and I’ll do it” or “this is the plan and these will be the outcomes”. Creating healthy change is really about shifting habits and lifestyle and that involves transformation of not only the physical but the mental and spiritual practices that we engage in every day. 

If you have had involvement with Psychotherapy or studied psychology in school you may have heard of the following two models. While I have not studied these in-depth I have used these to help myself and my clients understand where they are in their desire to change. No matter how much we associate transformation with what we do i.e. exercise, reaching milestones, diet, sleep, therapy etc there is no denying that how we feel about the process is more telling of our future success or failure. 

What has grief got to do with change?

First introduced by American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, the 5 stages of grieving has been useful in navigating people through the grieving process.  While these stages are not meant to be a complete list of all possible emotions people will experience, they are helpful when facing a life-altering undertaking such as losing 100 pounds or starting a new career.

In the transtheoretical model, change is a process involving progression through various stages. When setting goals that are life changing people forget to take into account the process and commitment that is involved. I feel that checking into these various stages can be helpful in committing to the process.

While both models are controversial in their validity we can use these stages to gauge commitment and track change so as to best reach our goals.

1. Denial & Precontemplation (Not Ready) - The person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of his/her situation, and begins to develop a false, preferable reality. People are not intending to take action in the foreseeable future, and can be unaware that their behavior is problematic. Unfortunately, this is where most people sit for too long resulting in negative consequences. For example a patient who is insulin resistant but not yet diagnosed as diabetic – “They have pills for that – I’ll be fine.”
   
   2.     Anger & Contemplation (Getting Ready) - People are beginning to recognize that their behavior is problematic, and start to look at the pros and cons of their continued actions. They recognize that denial cannot continue and become bitter, they become difficult to reason with due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. The patient can be angry with themselves, or with others, especially those who are close to them. Certain responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair! I don’t want to give up my wine"; "Why do I have to do all this. Jane succeeded without having to do any of this!”
   
   3.     Preparation & Bargaining (Ready) - This person is going to take action in the immediate future, and may take small steps toward behavior change. This often involves bargaining where they hope that they can somehow avoid going down the path chartered for them. Seeking to negotiate a compromise is normal and it is important for all involved to examine whether this person is truly ready for the next stage. Example “OK so I’m cutting out sugar but chocolate brownies made with honey are fine! Right?” I know I need to reach out to clients/employees but just let me get my resume updated or my website dialed in. 
   
   4.     Depression & Action– I know this sounds like a stalemate but I often see clients acquiring new healthy behaviors only to withdraw. “What if I succeed in reaching my goals?” “What if I really do lose 100 lbs?” Their friends can change, along with their habits, their clothes, and even their problems. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Becoming a different person requires an immense amount of courage!
   
   5.     Acceptance & Maintenance – Clients have been able to sustain the action for a while and are working to prevent relapse. At this stage, they have come to terms that they are better off this way and the changes have become the new lifestyle. This typically comes with a sense of peace, a retrospective view of self, and a calm stable mindset. I often hear “I can’t believe how much better life is. I won’t go back to the way it used to be!”
   
   6.     Termination – Individuals have no temptation to return to their old unproductive ways. They are happy with the path they chose to follow and are comfortable with themselves and have been accepted by their peers old and new. This is ultimately where a good practitioner would want their clients to reach. While the term termination sounds final it is here that a practitioner and client build a lasting relationship built on mutual admiration, trust, and satisfaction. It is here where the true reward lies.

So, remember no matter where you are in life, and in health, be aware of your motivation, set a course, create some systems, build in rewards, keep checking in with yourself, be kind to those around you and especially to yourself, be brave, live life, and stay strong.